{"id":48350,"date":"2016-07-09T13:01:52","date_gmt":"2016-07-09T13:01:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/armytimes\/uncategorized\/2016\/07\/09\/this-widow-s-story-will-break-your-heart-and-compel-the-army-to-change\/"},"modified":"2026-08-08T03:45:19","modified_gmt":"2026-08-08T03:45:19","slug":"this-widow-s-story-will-break-your-heart-and-compel-the-army-to-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/armytimes\/news\/your-army\/2016\/07\/09\/this-widow-s-story-will-break-your-heart-and-compel-the-army-to-change\/","title":{"rendered":"This widow’s story will break your heart, and compel the Army to change"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

[Editor’s Note: <\/strong>Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann, in her own words, shares the story of her husband’s suicide and the lasting affect on her family.\u00a0Capt. Andres Schloemann, a member of the Army National Guard,\u00a0took his own life in December.\u00a0Elizabeth hopes their struggle\u00a0will save future lives and serve as a\u00a0wake-up\u00a0call to the Army.]<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Six months ago the war finally hit home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn’t wake up knowing that this day was somehow different.\u00a0There was no sense of dread of what might come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got the kids up for school and went to work.\u00a0By 10 a.m., my husband sent me a text asking me to have lunch.\u00a0At 11 a.m. I got called into an impromptu meeting and had to cancel.\u00a0“Maybe tomorrow,” he said.\u00a0“Definitely,” I replied, looking forward to some alone time with him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I got out of work, I went to the kids’ Christmas pageant at daycare where I met up with my husband.\u00a0Our youngest\u00a0had a red-painted nose and antlers.\u00a0Our 5-year-old was so excited to see us that he was bouncing on his toes.\u00a0I took a lot of pictures, the kids sat on Santa’s lap, got hot chocolate and candy canes, and then we all went home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the kids were asleep, my husband and I sat down to watch a movie.\u00a0It was “The Kingsmen.”\u00a0I remember because I spent months wondering if maybe I had picked a different movie \u2014\u00a0something less violent \u2014\u00a0would it have changed the events of that night?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Capt. Andres Schloemann with his two sons Gabriel and Sebastian.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Capt. Andres Schloemann with his two sons Gabriel and Sebastian.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photo Credit: Courtesy Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a brief moment after the movie ended, as I checked on my crying son, a gunshot rang through the house.\u00a0It was so loud that I jumped, but not loud enough for me to realize what it was.\u00a0I took another minute to make sure my son was asleep before going to find the source of the sound.\u00a0I was not prepared for the smell of gunpowder that wafted up the stairs, nor the sight of my husband’s body lying next to the Christmas tree.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I stared, trying to process the scene in my mind.\u00a0Was it a joke?\u00a0Had he gotten that cynical from the war that he thought suicide was a joke?\u00a0I thought maybe he was trying in a really sick way to make me feel bad for fighting with him.\u00a0It wasn’t until I crouched down next to him that I saw the blood and the casing on the floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The gravity of what had just happened crushed me instantly.\u00a0I reached out to check for his pulse and saw my hand shaking.\u00a0What else was I supposed to do?\u00a0I wanted to know and not to know in the same instant.\u00a0When I couldn’t feel anything, I thought I was doing it wrong.\u00a0But from my years of volunteering on an ambulance, I knew that the reason I couldn’t find his pulse was because he was already dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You see, it was that quick.\u00a0There was no chance of revival.\u00a0There was no cry for help.\u00a0He was alive one moment and gone the next.\u00a0I never got a chance to talk him out of it.\u00a0He didn’t leave a note.\u00a0He was simply gone.\u00a0There were warning signs that led up to that night, but he hid things from me so well that I never got a chance to connect the pieces.\u00a0Yes, he had been drinking, but he had been drunk many times and none of those ended in his death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Capt. Andres Schloemann committed suicide in December. His wife, Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann, hopes their story will prevent future soldiers from taking their own lives.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Capt. Andres Schloemann committed suicide in December. His wife, Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann, hopes their story will prevent future soldiers from taking their own lives.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photo Credit: Courtesy Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband was lost.\u00a0He was lost somewhere in his mind, and I couldn’t help him find his way home.\u00a0Maybe he needed a brother in arms to walk beside him in his darkness.\u00a0Maybe he just needed to feel welcome in a world that sends people to war and brings them home to a country where people don’t understand the sacrifices made for freedom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The weeks following my husband’s death are a blur.\u00a0I remember trying to work through all the emotions while my house was full of family, friends, and coworkers trying to help.\u00a0Then there was the funeral and all the decisions that needed to be made. I remember everyone sitting around the table for days, waiting anxiously for me to finish funeral arrangements and trying to get me to hurry up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tried to be gracious.\u00a0I tried not to cry. At times I would escape to my room to hide, hoping nobody would try to come find me.\u00a0I wanted comfort from the life I had known before everything fell apart. I wanted to know everything would be fine and that it wasn’t my fault.\u00a0I wanted confirmation that the world as I once knew it hadn’t just been destroyed.\u00a0I wanted everyone else to know exactly the words I needed to hear, but I didn’t even know what those were.\u00a0 I got sick of hearing all the clich\u00e9 answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“It’s going to be okay.”<\/strong> No it isn’t.\u00a0Not for a long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“It’s not your fault.”<\/strong> Are you sure?\u00a0Were you there in that moment in his head?\u00a0Can you really know that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“There’s nothing you could have done.”<\/strong> Don’t get me started.\u00a0I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone over and over in my head what I could have and should have done.\u00a0Don’t make me tell you all of them.\u00a0I know it won’t change anything.\u00a0I’m the one living with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the funeral, everyone dispersed.\u00a0I was alone with my boys for the first time and Christmas was less than a week away.\u00a0At least the beauty of the tree wasn’t tarnished by the image of my husband’s body lying on the floor next to it.\u00a0I knew the kids would never know, and I couldn’t ruin their Christmas.\u00a0The house had been rearranged for us and the neighborhood banded together to bring presents to make sure the boys had enough distractions to get through the holidays.\u00a0My friends kept us company so we wouldn’t spend Christmas alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then it was all over.\u00a0The kids went back to school, I went back to work and people around us began to forget.\u00a0It remained in the hearts and minds of those who were close to my husband, but they were so far away.\u00a0I started the process of calling all the utility companies and banks to tell them my husband had passed away.\u00a0My initial assumption was that it would be simple and they would be sympathetic.\u00a0I was so wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It took over 5 months to get all the utilities right.\u00a0I paid so many fees and spent hours day after day trying to get everything sorted out just to find out that it was still wrong.\u00a0The creditors started calling wanting money \u00a0My bank account was depleted from paying funeral costs, even after my parents had chipped in.\u00a0The SGLI didn’t show up for months.\u00a0I found out the National Guard doesn’t offer a death gratuity to offset immediate expenses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was a wreck and had no outlet for any of my frustrations.\u00a0People asked me if I was going to see a grief counselor.\u00a0I didn’t need a grief counselor. I needed someone to hold the utility companies accountable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I spent most of my time trying to check things off my ever-growing list, I decided it was time to write my story.\u00a0I wrote about the night my husband took his own life while it was still fresh in my mind. I knew people would continue to ask me about what happened and I knew that I didn’t have the strength or the patience to tell it over and over again.\u00a0A representative from the All Warrior Network<\/a> asked me if he could publish it and I said yes.\u00a0It was raw and ugly in all its explicit detail for the world to see.\u00a0I didn’t understand why we are so careful to shield the world from pain.\u00a0Pain will inevitably find its way to each of us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted everyone to read it.\u00a0I wanted people to see that we are only human.\u00a0I made mistakes, too.\u00a0As a leader, a Soldier, I felt like a failure.\u00a0How often is it that we’re trained on suicide prevention?\u00a0Were there things I should have known, should have looked for?\u00a0Did I use all the resources I had available?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted to revolt against being a widow.\u00a0I am many things, and I didn’t want being a widow of a suicide to be the one that defined me.\u00a0I am a woman, a warrior, and a mother.\u00a0I am strong and fierce, proud of everything I have accomplished, but suddenly found myself an unwilling victim of something I couldn’t control.\u00a0The temptation to stare everyone down and force them to look me in the eyes and see me instead of my burden was overwhelming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then the strangest thing happened.\u00a0People began to write to me.\u00a0Stories flowed into my inbox from Soldiers, spouses, and veterans.\u00a0They wanted to share their stories and I had given them an outlet to do so.\u00a0They had the same fears and problems.\u00a0Some of them saw a reflection of themselves in my husband’s actions and realized that if they didn’t reach out for help, his story would become their own.\u00a0Week after week, the messages kept coming in.\u00a0It was then that I saw the problem for what it was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s so easy for us to think suicide is the problem and all we have to do is teach people not to kill themselves, but we’re wrong.\u00a0Suicide isn’t the problem.\u00a0It’s the end result of a series of problems and we need to learn how to treat Soldiers like people and help them find the right outlet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have a hard time in the Army getting out of the rigid structure we frame everything with.\u00a0With the force drawdown, we have more tasks to complete and fewer people to complete them.\u00a0People become tasks with faces and we want results yesterday.\u00a0The daily decision of what actions we’re willing to assume risk on becomes a never-ending battle as we’re pulled in three different directions.\u00a0Sometimes we don’t even know the faces of the people in our own organizations because we can’t break away from our desks long enough to create dynamic work relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When a Soldier misses formation, our first instinct is to be angry or insulted instead of finding out why they are missing work.\u00a0A Soldier has to believe their leadership is invested in them as a person.\u00a0The ones who do are going to perform at a much higher level than those who know that if they were to disappear for a day nobody would even notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband hated his leadership.\u00a0In fact, every single phone call he made home during his deployment to Afghanistan was a stark reminder of the way he was being treated.\u00a0He was sent out to remote FOBs as part of the retrograde mission to shut them down. Diary entries from his deployment show he felt ignored by his command.\u00a0He felt isolated and grew angry with the lack of care and compassion.\u00a0His bitterness was rooted very deep by the end of his deployment.\u00a0He kept note of all wrongs that had been done to him listed in the last few pages of his little green book.\u00a0The anger is almost palpable in the contempt of his words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It wasn’t a stretch to imagine what he had endured.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His gear still sits in boxes in my garage waiting for me to open it, some of it still sealed from Afghanistan.\u00a0I wonder what I’ll find when I open them.\u00a0How much of it should I keep?\u00a0What will I give to the boys and what will I tell them about Afghanistan?\u00a0Every time I open something, I find more reminders of his death \u2013 clips of hollow point rounds from his .45, his Colt AR-15 case full only of accessories because my unit confiscated all the weapons from my house after his death, bottles of alcohol that he purchased that day and I’ve never opened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s hard for me and I know it’s even harder for my boys, especially my 5-year-old.\u00a0There are days he sings about people dying, nights that he remembers that his dad is dead and starts balling, and all the while I try to understand how his 5-year-old brain is processing such a terrible loss.\u00a0He’s been getting in trouble a lot at school. My son has a firm grasp of death and is tormented by the fact that his dad is never going to come back, but the compassion for his wounded soul is absent.\u00a0When I want more than anything for everyone to wrap their arms around him in love and show him the beauty of life, they push him away like a pariah.\u00a0He is not a bad kid.\u00a0 His dad died 6 months ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Capt. Andres Schloemann with his two sons Gabriel and Sebastian.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Capt. Andres Schloemann with his two sons Gabriel and Sebastian.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Photo Credit: Courtesy Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

My 4-year-old is still too young to fully grasp it, but it breaks my heart to hear him tell strangers that his dad is dead.\u00a0One of my friends told him that he was in Afghanistan with his daddy, and my son asked if he was the one who killed him\u00a0 He knows Afghanistan is what caused the wound that ultimately led to his dad’s death.\u00a0Even at 4, he’s trying to understand.\u00a0He had an inseparable bond with my husband, and I often think about the night he died.\u00a0 My son woke up about half an hour after it happened, crying.\u00a0When I asked him why he was crying, he said, “Daddy’s calling me.”\u00a0I know he’ll never remember.\u00a0I’ll never forget.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a long and crazy road ahead of us.\u00a0We take each day as it comes and they all offer different challenges.\u00a0The pain is far from over.\u00a0Some people say it’s good the kids are young.\u00a0I wonder if that’s true.\u00a0When they are older and understand, will the pain be greater then?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People say suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.\u00a0Well, it isn’t just “someone else.”\u00a0It’s the spouse, kids, parents, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, friends, colleagues, and classmates \u2013 everyone whose heart has ever been a part of your life.\u00a0And the pain doesn’t just pass along, it multiplies by every person who has ever loved you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And the saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem?\u00a0It was a single moment in our lives that my husband couldn’t overcome his pain.\u00a0He’ll never get a second chance.\u00a0We’ll never get a second chance.\u00a0 All the days in our future \u2013 the firsts and lasts, the best and the worst, the accomplishments our boys will make as they grow into men \u2013 he’ll never be a part of.\u00a0Whatever he saw or felt cast a shadow over his world and stopped him from seeing all the good that was still to come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Capt. Elizabeth Schloemann is the Brigade S2 for 5th Armor Brigade. She lives on Fort Bliss, Texas\u00a0with\u00a0her sons Gabriel, age 5, and Sebastian, age\u00a04.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you are afraid to seek help within the Army, Schloemann recommends the following resources:\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stop Soldier Suicide<\/p>\n\n\n\n

www.stopsoldiersuicide.org<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

22 Until None<\/p>\n\n\n\n

www.22untilnone.org<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

22Kill<\/p>\n\n\n\n

www.22kill.com<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Active Heroes<\/p>\n\n\n\n

https:\/\/activeheroes.org<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Battle Buddy Foundation<\/p>\n\n\n\n

http:\/\/www.tbbf.org\/about-us<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Heroes Outdoor Therapy<\/p>\n\n\n\n

http:\/\/www.heroesoutdoortherapy.org\/uncategorized\/heroes-outdoor-therapy\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Real Warriors<\/p>\n\n\n\n

http:\/\/www.realwarriors.net\/family\/support\/preventsuicide.php<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mission 22<\/p>\n\n\n\n

http:\/\/www.mission22.com\/resources-2\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Battle in Distress<\/p>\n\n\n\n

http:\/\/battleindistress.org\/<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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