Being just four years old when Roland Emmerich\u2018s \u201cIndependence Day\u201d crash-landed in our atmosphere on July 3, 1996, it may come as no surprise that I didn\u2019t get around to seeing it in theaters. But finally, after two and a half decades, I decided to sit down and watch Will Smith save the planet from certain destruction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since this is the 25th anniversary of the film\u2019s release, I thought I\u2019d share 25 thoughts I had while watching \u201dIndependence Day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. <\/b>Solid patriotic start \u2014 Flag, trumpets, footprints on the moon. I\u2019m ready. Playing R.E.M.\u2019s \u201cIt\u2019s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)\u201d seems a little on the nose, but overall a solid start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2.<\/b> According to the news, the president of the United States (Bill Pullman) is a war hero, but he\u2019s terrible at politics because the Gulf War is different than the Oval Office. They say they elected a warrior and got a wimp. Ouch. But hey, this veteran president was just named one of the 10 sexiest men in America by the Orange County Dispatch. Anyway, now we\u2019ve got the SECDEF on the phone! There\u2019s a satellite floating loose out in space. Something is aflame in the starry sky? I have no idea where this is going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3.<\/b> Changing scenes, we have a deadbeat desert dad, probably a veteran pilot, who is out crop dusting while drunk? This is a solid fart joke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
4.<\/b> We\u2019re back in Washington. Satellites are unreliable? Inconceivable! But this time it\u2019s because there\u2019s a giant UFO that\u2019s broken off into three dozen pieces transmitting a strange signal. No one has mentioned aliens \u2026 yet. SECDEF suggests ICBMs to blow it out of the sky, because of course. We\u2019re going to DEFCON 3! I never actually knew what that meant before now, but it turns out it\u2019s not that serious. DEFCON 1 is when the sh*t really hits the fan. Level three is just an \u201cincrease in force readiness above that required for normal readiness\u201d \u2014 whatever that means.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
5.<\/b> UFOs hitting all the major U.S. geopolitical hotspots for the 90s. Iraq, the Persian Gulf, Russia. Definitely shouldn\u2019t read into that too much. And the first casualties appear to be Air Force pilots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
6.<\/b> Our crop duster turns out to be a man named Russell Casse (Randy Quaid), a former combat pilot who was abducted by aliens and drinks too much. Everyone mocks him for it, but then he is immediately vindicated by UFOs entering the atmosphere. Talk about timing!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7.<\/b> Here we have our hero, Will Smith, a Marine Corps pilot named Capt. Steven Hiller, and he is still asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
8.<\/b> Alas, the Manhattan skyline has been swallowed by a flying saucer. Where have I seen this before? Only every sci-fi movie ever? David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum), our sad sack SATCOM guy, has figured out that the aliens are using Earth\u2019s satellites to count down to an attack. Six hours left! Levinson\u2019s soon-to-be ex-wife (Margaret Colin) works in the White House for President Sexy, because of course. She doesn\u2019t believe there\u2019s any danger. No one is warned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
9.<\/b> Our Marine pilot hero doesn\u2019t think there\u2019s going to be a fight \u2026 good one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
10.<\/b> Casse is accused both of having PTSD and being sexually tortured by aliens in the same news segment. Poor guy. This Vietnam veteran has seen better days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
11.<\/b> The news advises people not to fire guns at the UFO because it could trigger an interstellar war. Who would do that? It sounds a lot like that time some Floridians tried to shoot down a hurricane.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
12.<\/b> Oh my God. Hiller\u2019s girlfriend Jasmine (Vivica Fox) is an exotic dancer who he\u2019s planning to marry. This is my favorite cliche. I wonder if he met her two weeks ago at the club. Such a Marine move. She\u2019s a low-key badass, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
13.<\/b> Six hours is up. The aliens incinerated everything and everyone, aside from the people we\u2019ve met so far. The Navy is going in hot with Black Knights. I\u2019ve never seen so many F\/A-18s in once place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
14.<\/b> This dog fight reminds me of the pod race in \u201cStar Wars: Phantom Menace.\u201d Should have used the ICBMs while the UFOs were still in space. It would have been a lot cleaner than that crash landing. Did Hiller just kill that alien by punching him in the face? Forget Army Strong. Marines all the way, I guess.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
15. <\/b>Area 51 is real! The Kyles were right when they said we should we should \u201cStorm Area 51, They Can\u2019t Stop All of Us.\u201d That\u2019s where President Sexy is going with SATCOM David. How fortuitous that a shot-down Hiller runs into Casse nearby! What are the odds of such a perfect convergence? And<\/i> the base already has one of the alien vessels under experimentation. Who knew? The SECDEF, of course! (But it was classified!) What a sly minx.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
16.<\/b> These aliens kind of remind me of the ones I saw in \u201cWar of the Worlds\u201d (2005) featuring Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning\u2019s piercingly annoying scream, but with more legs. And just like those extraterrestrials, they\u2019re here to consume the planet and bail. Yikes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
17.<\/b> ICBM time! The bird is away. Conflict over. Can we go home now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
18.<\/b> Oops. No. The space ship is fine. Mission aborted. Their defensive shields are too strong! Who could have seen that coming?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
19.<\/b> Sad Sack David figured it out moments later. They have to use the captured vessel to infect the mothership with a virus to take the shields down. Sounds like a job for Hiller! Except the SECDEF is throwing a tantrum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
20.<\/b> Steve and Jasmine are having a quickie chapel wedding! It\u2019s not Vegas, but Area 51 is still Nevada. SATCOM David and his wife make eyes in a way that screams \u201cwe\u2019re getting back together.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
21.<\/b> There\u2019s nothing like an alien counter-offensive to end all international conflict. Our war hero, President Sexy, has just given the greatest Independence Day speech since Thomas Jefferson declared it in 1776. He is a wimp no more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
22.<\/b> This aerial sequence reminds me of every Star Wars movie I\u2019ve ever seen. No way would anyone ever let POTUS lead a squadron, even if he were the world\u2018s greatest pilot. Could you imagine leaving the country without a head of state or commander-in-chief during an alien invasion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
23.<\/b> The shields are down but U.S. forces have run out of missiles. Who knew that was possible? It\u2019s Casse to the rescue, the culmination of his post-Vietnam and alien abduction redemption tour. He sacrifices himself for the greater good, taking out the ship hovering over Area 51. Everyone celebrates, except his children, who are now orphans. It\u2019s \u2026 not great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
24. <\/b>I think my cat likes this movie. Murphy has been watching from my lap the whole time. She has terrible taste in films.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
25.<\/b> The explosion of the mothership lights up the sky more than the last 245 years of fireworks combined. Happy Fourth of July everyone!<\/p>\n\n\n\n