{"id":75758,"date":"2024-01-05T20:02:48","date_gmt":"2024-01-05T20:02:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/navytimes\/uncategorized\/2024\/01\/05\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\/"},"modified":"2026-08-08T15:41:00","modified_gmt":"2026-08-08T15:41:00","slug":"please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/navytimes\/off-duty\/military-culture\/2024\/01\/05\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\/","title":{"rendered":"Please return LT\u2019s Humvee. This is no longer funny. Stop."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On Dec. 28, 2023, the Army\u2019s Criminal Investigation Division <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cid.army.mil\/Portals\/118\/Documents\/Rewards_Information-Wanted\/Reward_HMMWV-Theft-Fort-Liberty_Jan2024.pdf\" target=\"_blank\">quietly shared a reward poster to its website<\/a>. An unknown person reportedly stole a M1165A1 Humvee from Fort Liberty\u2019s Mott Lake training area between Nov. 7 and Nov. 8, 2023. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The vehicle, with bumper number 618-26 and windshield decals reading \u201cPFC Arms and LT Dyke,\u201d has not been recovered. Readers with information can collect a $5,000 reward if they provide CID with a tip that leads to the identification, arrest and conviction of anyone involved in the theft.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Belated editor\u2019s note: Reward information is where reality ends and where, in this case, satire begins. What follows is Army Times\u2019 senior reporter Davis Winkie\u2019s fictional recreation of the speech the company first sergeant may have given to soldiers after day three of looking for the vehicle. It\u2019s formatted as a screenplay. To be frank, we can\u2019t really tell you why Davis chose to do that. Whatever. It\u2019s Friday. <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>This satirical story is shockingly devoid of reality. We do not know the people involved, and we don\u2019t know the circumstances under which any of this occurred. Please do not email us unless it\u2019s to offer Davis a movie deal, and do not hold this against the vehicle\u2019s authorized user, who has probably suffered enough already.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FADE IN:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>EXT. COF, 618TH ENGINEER SUPPORT COMPANY (AIRBORNE) \u2013 1745 HOURS, FRIDAY NOV. 10<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>WE OPEN outside the company operations facility, late on Friday afternoon, after three days of searching for the company executive officer\u2019s Humvee, which disappeared without a trace on Tuesday night. The disappearance derailed the company field exercise, and leaders are furious. The shot begins wide, capturing the entire company formation and the building\u2019s facade, before it slowly pushes in closer on the man standing in front of the unit.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>As we draw nearer to him, it becomes clear that the FIRST SERGEANT isn\u2019t mad. He\u2019s just (visibly) disappointed. And maybe a little afraid?<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Ok, 618th, on the command \u201cfall out,\u201d I want you to form a school circle around me, hooah? It\u2019s been a long week, so let\u2019s make this quick and enjoy the long weekend, hooah?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Scattered \u201chooahs\u201d emanate from the beleaguered paratroopers.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Fall out!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>BEHIND THE FIRST SERGEANT<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The soldiers quickly assemble around the FIRST SERGEANT. Noticeably absent is the COMPANY XO.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Listen up, paratroopers. As we all know, someone stole Nasty 5\u2032s Humvee while we were in the field earlier this week. The LT and the CO are currently in the brigade commander\u2019s office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>FACING THE COF, SLIGHTLY ELEVATED TO SEE FIRST SERGEANT OVER THE SEA OF SHOULDERS<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s been a tough three days. We\u2019ve combed damn near every training area on this post.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If anyone in this company knows anything about where the LT\u2019s Humvee is, please step forward now. Let\u2019s end this here and now. I can offer amnesty \u2014 no harm, no foul, no negative consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>BEHIND FIRST SERGEANT, LOOKING OUT ON TROOPS<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Nobody steps forward. A few junior enlisted soldiers exchange suspicious glances, but it\u2019s not clear whether they plotted the theft or whether this is just how they act all the time. Really could be either.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>CLOSE UP OF FIRST SERGEANT\u2019S FACE<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The FIRST SERGEANT pauses, grimaces and shakes his head as if he\u2019s choking on the words that come next<\/i>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Several seconds of silence follow. The specialists in the back continue exchanging suspicious glances, and now it\u2019s certain that this is just the way they are. Or is it?<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>FACING THE COF<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m serious, please return the LT\u2019s truck. If this is a prank, it is no longer funny. Hell, it stopped being funny two days ago. Return it now, and it can be funny again! Please, guys. Please.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The soldiers shift back-and-forth uncomfortably. They sense something bigger might be at play here. The FIRST SERGEANT, visibly nervous, checks his watch \u2014 the biggest, chunkiest, most stereotypical rubber impact-resistant watch ever seen on Fort Liberty.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You don\u2019t understand what\u2019s going to happen if we don\u2019t find this Humvee by 1800. Any soldier who is man enough to come forward now and admit stealing it \u2014 or to tell us who did it \u2014 will receive four-day special pass for next weekend as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Nobody moves or speaks up. A DISGRUNTLED SPECIALIST IN THE BACK groans audibly.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We are running out of time to solve this problem ourselves. I cannot save us from anything that happens next \u2014 unless one of you comes forward. Please, guys. It\u2019s Friday of a long weekend. Today was supposed to be a DONSA. My wife has called me six times in the last 30 minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The FIRST SERGEANT\u2019s elaborately shock-resistant, waterproof watch beeps.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>CLOSE UP OF CHUNKY WATCH<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The watch reads 18:00, because of course the FIRST SERGEANT\u2019s watch is set to 24-hour time. A vehicle engine sounds in the background as a lifted pickup truck approaches.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>FIRST SERGEANT<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Please! Just give us the LT\u2019s Humvee. If you come forward in the next 30 seconds, you\u2019ll also get out of our next red cycle tasking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>FACING OUT FROM COF, STREET IN BACKGROUND<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The doors of the lifted pick-up truck open, and five people get out. It\u2019s not clear how they all fit inside. The BATTALION CSM, two CID AGENTS wearing marked civilian clothes, the COMPANY COMMANDER and the COMPANY XO (who looks like he hasn\u2019t slept since Tuesday) emerge and walk toward the formation.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>As the soldiers realize what is happening, they turn around to watch the group approach.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>INTERCUT BTWN BATTALION CSM, FIRST SERGEANT, COMPANY COMMANDER and COMPANY XO<\/b><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>BATTALION CSM<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">First Sergeant, any luck?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The FIRST SERGEANT shakes his head to signal no. The BATTALION CSM appears a little too excited about what\u2019s going to happen next. The COMPANY COMMANDER sports a 1,000-yard stare. The COMPANY XO \u2014 wait, is the XO crying?<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>TRACKING SHOT<\/b><i><b> follows the<\/b><\/i><i> BATTALION CSM, who is flanked by the CID agents, as they walk to the front of the gaggle formation. <\/i><i><b>(DW note: Not sure if the Imperial March is appropriate for this scene or not, remember to discuss with director.)<\/b><\/i><i> Camera settles back in <\/i><b>FACING THE COF <\/b><i>once finished tracking.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>BATTALION CSM<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">How we doing, Nasty Company? You had your chance to do this the easy way. Here\u2019s what is going to happen now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>The BATTALION CSM gestures toward the two CID AGENTS. He pulls out a stack of papers \u2014 rights waivers, required for witness and subject interviews. One of the agents appears to mouth the word \u201csorry\u201d as he stares intently at his feet.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>BATTALION CSM<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">These two gentlemen are going to interview every single soldier in this goddamn company. Yes, you have a right not to speak to them. I don\u2019t care. Every one of you will either sit with them in the COF or sign the sheet saying you refused to speak without a lawyer present. The good news is that Trial Defense Services is able to help those soldiers. The bad news for all of them is that TDS is out of the office until Tuesday, and you are under orders not to leave this company footprint until you and your lawyer complete an interview, hooah.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Absolutely nobody echoes the hooah. The COMPANY COMMANDER slinks into the COF. He probably was going to stay there all weekend sending emails anyways.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>BATTALION CSM<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But don\u2019t any of you think that doing a one-and-done interview will get you out of this either. Every day this weekend, from 0600 to 1900, the XO will be leading the entire company in a \u201cHands Across America\u201d police line through the Mott Lake training area \u2014 including the water. You will either find this Humvee or drown trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><b>QUICK CUT to the COMPANY XO<\/b>, <i>who is sitting on the ground behind the formation hugging his knees and rocking back and forth, shaking with each successive sob. The crying grows gradually louder even after the camera cuts back to the BATTALION CSM.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><u>BATTALION CSM<\/u><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">OK team, that\u2019s all I have. I\u2019ll be with you this weekend because I don\u2019t like my family anyways. You have 30 minutes for chow; someone bring me a Popeye\u2019s chicken sandwich from the Butner Road shopette. Stay Nasty!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><i>Soldiers scatter and begin calling their families to relay the bad news.<\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">FADE OUT<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A satirical imagining of events after an M1165A1 Humvee was (really) stolen from Fort Liberty\u2019s Mott Lake training area between Nov. 7 and Nov. 8.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":107961,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"single-post-observation-post","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_yoast_wpseo_meta-robots-noindex":"","_yoast_wpseo_meta-robots-nofollow":"","_yoast_wpseo_canonical":"","_acf":"","_yoast_wpseo_primary_category":68,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_smg_distribution_targets":[]},"categories":[101,23,68,12,26,13,65],"tags":[],"coauthors":[3354],"class_list":["post-75758","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-daily-news-roundup","category-home","category-military-culture","category-news","category-newsletters","category-off-duty","category-your-navy"],"acf":{"subheadline":"","legacy_arc_id":"ZURALHCVNBB53F5PZGOW3XFGRI","arc_canonical_url":"\/off-duty\/military-culture\/2024\/01\/05\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\/","remove_feature_photo":false,"is_sponsored":false,"subtype":"observation-post","redirect_url":"","disable_inline_ads":false,"native_logo_pretext":"Presented By:"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v26.0 (Yoast SEO v28.1) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Please return LT\u2019s Humvee. This is no longer funny. Stop. - Navy Times<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A satirical imagining of events after an M1165A1 Humvee was (really) stolen from Fort Liberty\u2019s Mott Lake training area between Nov. 7 and Nov. 8.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/militarytimes\/off-duty\/military-culture\/2024\/01\/05\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Please return LT\u2019s Humvee. This is no longer funny. Stop.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A satirical imagining of events after an M1165A1 Humvee was (really) stolen from Fort Liberty\u2019s Mott Lake training area between Nov. 7 and Nov. 8.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/one.sightlinemg.com\/navytimes\/off-duty\/military-culture\/2024\/01\/05\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Navy Times\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2024-01-05T20:02:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-08-08T15:41:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Davis Winkie\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Davis Winkie\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\n\t    \"@context\": \"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\n\t    \"@graph\": [\n\t        {\n\t            \"@type\": \"Article\",\n\t            \"@id\": \"https:\\\/\\\/one.sightlinemg.com\\\/navytimes\\\/off-duty\\\/military-culture\\\/2024\\\/01\\\/05\\\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\\\/#article\",\n\t            \"isPartOf\": {\n\t                \"@id\": \"https:\\\/\\\/one.sightlinemg.com\\\/navytimes\\\/off-duty\\\/military-culture\\\/2024\\\/01\\\/05\\\/please-return-lts-humvee-this-is-no-longer-funny-stop\\\/\"\n\t            },\n\t            \"author\": {\n\t                \"name\": \"migration\",\n\t                \"@id\": \"https:\\\/\\\/one.sightlinemg.com\\\/navytimes\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/cc76c831bb37a926738c8391fca7a3b1\"\n\t            },\n\t            \"headline\": \"Please return LT\u2019s Humvee. 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